Captain Shmoie (shmow-ie,) or Shimo (shee-mo)–nobody quite knows which– is the captain of the Krappy Katana, a ship crewed by the drunkest, ninja-hatingest female crew in the Spanish Main. Shmoie/Shimo herself is constantly and exceedingly drunk, thus the name confusion. Some noteworthy crew members are Jill, the Third Third Mate (yes, that’s right); Whitey, Shmoie’s younger sister; Fox, the first mate; and her best friend, Eliza (she’s not part of the crew, but she’s noteworthy anyhow). Shmoie is very loudly attracted to Eliza’s father, Jack, and Eliza sometimes finds this disturbing. Shimo’s drink of choice is rum, though anything alcoholic suits her fine. She adores the songs “A Pirate’s Life For Me” and “Way Hay and Up She Rises” (aka. what do you do with a drunken sailor), though because of her intoxication she often gets the words wrong (a “lirate’s pife” for me). When she’s sober and not hung over, she’s quite ambitious and ready to plunder (or chop up some ninjas). However, she soon gets ahold of a bottle of rum and gets stinking drunk, losing all her drive. All in all she just wants to have a good time and get together with friends.

I’d like it to sound a lot like an Irish drinking song, or something of the like.